Cafe La Tea , Take Three

I met up with Diego again tonight. We had tea at the same joint. It was alright. Not sure what to think of our rendevouz or him altogether. He seemed happier and better than his previous despositions. It was a short tea-time. An hour long instead of the usual two hours of talk, stare, and confusion. I detached myself a little bit more tonight. Started to think and feel with my brain instead of my heart. It was friendly. He hugged me before we departed ways. Which was strange because he has not touched me in any way since February. Not sure what the hug meant or why, or even the reason for him inviting me to tea. Maybe it was a goodbye forever hug. Although, he stared at me the whole night as we talked. But that could just be really more of a habit of him fixating on the person he's talking to. I missed him a little bit during the first half hour, and then the last half hour I felt kind of indifferent. I kind of wanted to go home actually. I had nothing more to say, and didn't care what he had to ramble about. But I felt a little sad still. So I'm not sure how I feel anymore. I don't know if I should let go completely or keep on thinking about him. I actually wrote him a buncha postcards while in Iceland and NYC. Kind of stupid... and now regret doing so.

When I was in New York, I found out much news about everyone I had not seen in a while. Everyone had a new significant other or were getting married. Things seemed to be falling in place for the rest of the world. And I had not much to say about my lovelife. Just disaster and a short romantic high that recently ended. It's hard for me to be single. I don't like doing things for myself so much. Single people think it's great to have more "me" time in bettering themselves and such. But I don't really see it that way. I'm fine how I am and what I'm doing. And I'd rather share interests and explore more interests with a companion. I'd rather give than recieve actually.


In the back in my head, I try to figure out why God intended me to even meet Diego again after all these years in the first place. Why him? I thought for the longest time it was seredipitous. But is it really? Are we just fooling ourselves? Am I just hurting myself? I feel like a monkey.