Looking Away

Wishing, praying, dreaming. It's all the same. I'm starting to think that hoping is going to be in the same useless category too. I can't stand it anymore. My infection. My health. Being stranded in constant, recurrent illness, and inability to enjoy life. If I could go back in time, I would have done things different. Learn more about my body, take better care, and really keep things simple. If I could detach the lower half of my body right now, I would. I wish we were like toys, every part connected by hinges that can be replaced. It's too hard to be human. Or to be alive at all. If anything, I wish I was a walking tree. No blood, no organs. All I need is water and sun. So basic. We're so complicated. Things become more tragic much easier.

I hate my body like no other. I could care less what I look like on the outside right now, but on the inside, it's messed up. As I daydream, I figured that maybe if I stayed in New York, I would've been okay right now. I was never sick there. Just some minor stuff but it was never the serious stuff. Stuff that involves me going to an Infectious Disease Specialist Physician. Stuff that involves me not only going to that type of doctor, but many other specialists because this infection got complicated. Now I have a multitude of healthcare providers on my cellphone. I trust them. But I don't trust my body. I'm telling it to fight, but I don't think it's putting up any guns anymore. I feel like my organs are damaged. This infection is prolonged, spanning almost half a year now and I'm not completely better. If anything, I am worse. Who knows if months from now, I'll be even worser.

I almost want to be put into a coma, sometimes my infection is unbearable. I cannot concentrate, and don't even want to get out of my bed or chair. I'm confined to the bathroom. And I'm confined to my pills. Why can't I win. Why. Everything else is great and splendid. School is good, Friends are good, Lovelife is wonderful, Family is alright, and everywhere else in my body feels pretty sturdy. Nothing's perfect. But I would rather have things mediocre than having things 90% great and 10% drastically horrible and traumatic.

Give me a holiday, god. For the sake of everyone that's involved in helping me to get better. My parents, my boyfriend, my soul.

Daughter of a Blue Collared Worker

My dad is more successful than I ever was. His time was different. My generation is different. You could say life is easier in my time, being in the convenience of America, the war not directly affecting my life at all really, and having an example to follow. But at the same time, life for me seems so much harder than what my dad had to ever worry about. But in reality our lives, our experience, our journey is just different. My dad didn't have to juggle anything except school back in Vietnam. He was a rich boy, everything taken care of, unmarried, unbothered, healthy, and happy. The only pressure was that he was the first born son, forced into the line of the medical profession.

What do I have to deal with here? Living in my own apartment, constant health issues, fear of contraction of various diseases that my dad could never have been exposed to back in Vietnam, taking care of family members, dealing with a lot of steps to get where my dad got in very few steps, being a woman, and psychological things. Too many others to name. My generation is different. We have way more distractions, more danger zones, and just more crap to deal with than we should handle. Sometimes for the sake of a career , I wish I was sheltered, stale, and stable. I'm on the brink of failing out of optometry school. I'm not making the cut right now. Not only is it not my cup of tea, but I can't even figure out how to drink it.

If I was a daughter of a blue-collared worker, I'd be happy in a factory job. I don't need $100,000+ / year in income. I don't need that prestigious title at the end of my name. I don't need to be my own boss. I don't need to prove anyone. I'd just be happy with a used car, working a mundane job that doesn't require high creditials or thinking, living in a small house, owning mediocre possessions, and etc. All I really would want or need with those, is a loving husband that I'm in love with, and my ability to distinguish/appreciate the world and humanity itself. i.e. the arts/literature/history/etc. I probably should've gone into something other than a health profession.

My confidence in life/school/etc, is dwindling quite dramatically. I was doing okay the first two months of school. But now, it's rapidly kicking me in the butt. I wonder if my limit for this field has already been hit and there's no point in going on?

It's even harder when 90% of your friends and the circles you know are living their lives fully.. i.e. not going into a health profession. They're doing other things, their dreams, and understanding life more than ever, more than me. I bite my lip and keep my eyes on the textbooks. With that type of social environment, my motivation just keeps ceasing even though I keep decorating my "future career". I spend more than a quarter of my life in school. Only being able to live it sparingly, and after I retire. I wish I was a daughter of a blue collared worker, because then, there would be no pressure, no expectation, and no bar I have to touch. I'd just do what I'm good at, what I like, and still have respect, and a place in the family. How many doctors do we really need in this Nguyen clan?

I don't want to have that bum attitude anymore

There are many instances in which death passes through our mind. A lot of times we think about it when we're fearful about life and how much we can only control. Other times are just out of daydream and thinking too hypothetically about cause and effect in our lives. Ever since I was a kid, as young as four or five years old, I would think about the possibilities of my own death and more often then not, the end of the world. And many a times, I would think about how I would feel if certain people in my life died and how things would change and etc.

Granted, I am a hypochondriac of illness. But growing up in a family of several doctors and ironically, ill family members, it is no wonder that I have become the worrywort. After this week and another continuing week of waiting for lab results, I've had too much of a traumatic experience to not stick to learning more about the human body, what's out there, and how to stay healthy as best as you could. You'd always feel this way after battling say anywhere from a common flu to cancer. You swear to yourself you'd change things around and take care of your body much better. But of course after so much of time, you forget, and can be bumped down to being careless again about your health. Anything as easy as not brushing your teeth for a day or not remembering to hydrate or not eating enough fiber or not washing your hands after using the toilet or kissing someone while you know they're sick or not wearing a condom or not getting out of your rain-damped clothes right away or etc. Such easy things that we don't always adhere by. But seriously, one fluke could really mean your life.

This whole week, or rather a span of what will be three weeks, has really changed me and opened my eyes to how much of a bum I've become. It is obvious to people that I am more of a Type B person. I don't really care too much unless I need to. I have to say that after getting into Optometry School and after horridly breaking up with a serious long-term relationship, both of which happened at the same time, I had really let myself go. But not exactly. I lost some weight and took care of my looks in order to gain more self esteem and out of feeling single and older, which was great. I was coming out of my bum habits of my appearance. But what I really let go down the drain was everything else. It went for the worst. It really did, even though from the outside, things looked peachy and forcoming.

Stress elevated more than any other time in my life. I let it get to me even though I wasn't even in school, dating anyone, or working a full time job. But it got pretty bad to the point in which my hormones completely changed, I had acne worst than I did in high school, my mood swings became very very uncontrollable, my behavior/personality also changed a bit, and been ill, and maybe more ill in the near future. I didn't care that much about anyone anymore or even myself. In my own eyes, I became a sloth. I went on a rebound spree, (okay, just two guys), which was probably not the best ideas. And I didn't care anymore about what I was doing. I wasn't as productive about myself as an individual. Stopped working out and eating right, even on the outside I looked better than before. But internally I wasn't healthy whatsoever. I started to feel more sassy, and defensive towards people. I just didn't put my heart out there anymore for anyone, not even family at times. All my morals and viewpoints and cautions went down the drain.

But after this infection, which led to speculations of other infections, which then also could have led to more serious conditions, I realized that I really should've taken better care of myself. At this point, I'm not sure how well I am. We are still waiting on lab tests and results and more visits to the doctor. But I did this to myself. Mainly out of ignorance and carelessness. Being a bum.

I definitely will be more health driven, orderly in life, clean mentally and physically, and just cautious about things. Before it's too late. Right now I'm stuck in bed in lots of spiritual and physical pain. But out of the grief, comes reality and change. Gauranteed change. No slacking. It's hard work at times, but I would want to live longer than 24 years old. I have not yet gone to Mongolia/Paris/Anartica, married a man, have children, or bought my own car.

We cannot let ourselves go. We cannot be careless. But at the same time, we cannot control everything about ourselves or the things around us. We will be ill in some way or another, whether miniscule or serious, and we will die someday, whether soon or decades later. But to live life to the fullest, treating each day as a memorable day, and to take care of ourselves as best we could, we will at least be content and the best we could be in our position in this universe. We owe that not only to ourselves, but our family and friends who care about us sometimes more than we care about our own being. But I can really only think of one person who cannot live without me, and that is my mom. I know friends would get over it, other family members will in time, and optometry will still be oversaturated in the U.S. I'm really only a caretaker of my mother. She needs me. I'm always there for her, and I'm always the one she runs to. And if I have cancer, or a serious disease, or just anything that alters my ability to function or my lifespan in general, she will be the one I will really really fight to live for and she will give me a hard time accepting death. Obviously I'm speaking from a present viewpoint. If I have kids later on, and a loving husband, of course them too. But for now, it's mother. There's an obligation to stay healthy. Not just for yourself to experience the greatness of life, but for other people who really can't live life without your life and vice versa.

Another Time

List of next-time West coast roadtrip:

(things I never got to do or ran out of time during this trip)

1.) Napa Valley - San Francisco
2.) Salvation Mountain - Niland Desert
3.) Joshua Tree National Park
4.) Drive PCH all way up to Washington state
5.) Visit Charles Bukowski's grave - Palo Verdes