Two Egos (Di - Ego)

I guess I miss him, but I knew it was just too unhealthy for me. Why are we always addicted or attracted to things that aren't good for us, hm? And the things that are good, we don't really try hard enough to keep it?

My relationship with him was much like my relationship with Yusuke. Short and sweet. A bright flame that went out quick. I went to sleep last night feeling relieved. But I wokeup this morning feeling heartbroken. I couldn't get him out of my mind all day, and what had been happening. I even started to feel bad, which I shouldn't, but I did. I really tried to keep myself busy today to get my mind off of it. I even went to the mall and tried to cheer myself up by buying clothes, which I haven't done in a long while. But a song came on that was essentially "our song" while I was in the store. And it drove me nuts, I just got my shit I wanted and paid. It was that Emiliana Torrini song. He played it everyday in his apartment when I was there, and played it each time I showered with him. I heard it twice today actually. One in a sandwich shop where I had lunch. And all I could think in my head was "when the fuck did this indie song become so damn popular and why is it following me around, goddammit".

Since this morning, I've been depressed again. He made Houston worth something to me. He really did. It's almost a ridiculous feeling. I actually started to enjoy Houston a lot and had no more desire to live/travel anywhere else. But now that he is no more, I am back to my old state, where Houston has absolutely no meaning to me. I feel aimless, unfit, and just miserable in this godforsaken city. I wanted to just drive out of Texas today, I really did. I wanted to run away. Houston has become empty to me again. That's how much I liked him I guess. That's how much he affected me. It's probably because I finally found someone that had stuff in common with me in Houston. I finally found someone I can do stuff with and talk to about unconventional things. He was artsy and intellectual like me. He was interesting to me, more than almost all the other guys I've ever dated. He made me feel as if I was in New York again I guess?

But I think it was both our faults for spending way too much time with each other in the beginning. We burned each other out. I guess I burned him out more than he burned me. I just wanted more and more I guess. Keep the flame burning. Constant addiction, like a drug. He was trying to fix it I think, lay off some time between our hangouts. But to me, it made me insecure, and frustrated, and scared that it would never flame up again. So I ended it. I don't want to be hurt again, especially since I just had my heart broken several months ago. I did it for my own sanity, for my own safety, for my own relief, and for everyone else around me. I was spending too much time with him, I forgot my friends and family. Like I said, this relationship was like a drug. I was up so high, that I crashed hard, and then realized that it was too unhealthy. So, I quit even if I didn't want to. I knew I had to.

Honestly, at the end, I wasn't sure how he felt. He had always been so indirect that I couldn't ever read him clearly. I was confused up until the last second I left. He either liked me a lot, and wanted it to still work, but give us a break, or he knew it wasn't going to work anymore and was waiting me to call it quits because he didn't want to be the bad guy. I really don't know which one it was. But I knew he starred at me until I left his view in the hallway last night. Which makes me ponder why he just didn't go back into his apartment after I said goodbye.

I really was in love with him, like him a lot, loved him, and cared for him. Even though it was like less than 5 weeks. And that hurt me. It hurt me that it just died like that. That he just felt different after a while. It hurt me to say goodbye. But for once, I had to be selfish and just call it off myself to protect myself. I don't want to spiral down again like I did all of November until January. I had to grab my heart back as soon and as intact as possible. I couldn't take it anymore.

But I left sad, heartbroken, and still in love with him. Even though he was treating me like crap on the last day. I guess he wanted it to end somehow soon too. I just made it end faster. I told him, I want to know by tonight if this is going to end or not so I can stop worrying and go to sleep for once. I didn't want to be strung along anymore. I wanted consistency. I didn't want to keep on guessing or feeling so confused, and have my heart thrown around in a basket. I just wanted an answer, honesty, openness, direction.

But it was so wonderful, these past 5 weeks. Great fun, great intimacy, great talks, great company, great romance, great passion, great flow. I've never met someone in Houston like him. I've never dated anyone as attractive as him. I've never met someone more unconventional in thought and personality like him. I've never been treated like such lady before. In a sense, he was my ideal guy. But of course, he wasn't perfect, and there was a lot missing that I needed in the long run. Like more practical conversations, or being able to mix with my friends/family, or an openness to do the things I do, and of course overall: consistency.

He'll be someone I'll never forget, as much as Yusuke was someone I never forgot. Not the love per se, but more of the greatest times I've ever had in my life. They are the only two people who've made me reach so high in extacy, but at the same time, left me so low. And it's been hard to meet someone better than those two, in terms of passion.

I know who I'm going to settle down with, I know what type of guy, and I know I won't be 100% happy but just 80%. And I know that the passion won't be as great. And I will always wonder what Yusuke or "Dos Ego" is up to.

It's like that one great muscle car you had, but died on you, so now you are forever stuck with a spankin' new camry that is so loyal and dependable and just great for you, but there's no fire. But you'll always reminisce about those days. Quite sad, I know. But that's how reality is. And thats why I just don't want to be in another relationship for a really longass while. I haven't cried for Dos Ego, but I know I won't be able to let it go easily as I thought I could. The 5 weeks felt like eternity, in all honesty. It felt like 5 months.