My present life is alright. It's kind of calmed down and is slightly stagnant. I guess I've been feeling a little meaningless and a tiny bit lonely still. Despite my new found love and whatnots, Houston has continued to make me feel not as at home as I thought it could do.
I miss myself. My true self. A.K.A. my New York old self. The one that is funky, funny, daring, intellectual, easy-going, energetic, creative, and relaxed. Having the time of her life-type-of-self. I've become kind of lost here. I've lost myself. I've made things, but they're not really as fitting here as they would be in New York. I don't feel grounded here yet. I'm starting to fear that I never will. Constantly feeling like I have to keep moving away. Either somewhere new or someplace that is exactly new york. I guess I'm not happy here in Texas. Just content, but maybe missing a little something. Like a best friend. One that knows me in and out, can do anything with me, we equally entertain each other like no other, and are not afraid of each other. Well, there's one more thing that I'm missing here that I had up there. I felt important in New York. Important to people, important to the community itself, important to the world actually. I definitely, for some odd reason, feel unimportant to the fullest here in Houston. I feel like I'm not important to anyone, to anything, and no longer to the world. There's no upbeat. There's no difference I'm making. There's no one that relies on me and at the same time cherishes me.
I still do not "have" here. That's why I keep reminiscing about my nyc life. That old life that doesn't exist anymore nor ever will again. I miss my apartment, without the Tiffany, and my windows that I look out of every single morning and night. I miss my mailbox. I miss the elevator. I miss the bathroom mirror. I miss how all my friends lived within the one mile vicinity. I miss catching the bus or the trolley to get to school. I miss getting my groceries alongside old fogies. I miss starring at Brooklyn at the edge of the East River sidewalk. My safe haven.
I miss feeling secure and at home. That's basically it.
It's kind of ironic that I'm thinking and feeling like this tonight. My boyfriend just told me about this dream he had of me just today. He escorted me to the bus station and I was leaving to go to New York and then I said my goodbye and then met up with a familiar friend I saw on the bus. And after dropping me off, he went back to his apartment to find me something he wanted to give me: a sphere.
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1 comment:
yo!
i am basically drained out right now. jus arrived in chicago. it was terrible.. i was sitting next to a group of guys who were like. LA clothing designers? really annoying! girls talking about clothes is anoying. guys doing it is even more. i duno why. it's just. blehhh. anywho u have crazy dreams! do u eat late at night? i had a weird dream late last night.. i think it had to do with school anxiety.. i dont remmeber really anymore.. somethign with having to make origami birds and i couldn't do it.. anyway, i will write a better response after i recover, and can think more coherently. and we can talk about invites and all that stuff, ahh! hope u are well!! u need to go on gchat missy!
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