Trust Issues

I'd thought I'd feel better after leaving facebook and xanga, two sources in which Jon is a part of or knows that I use. Facebook bothered me because I'm sure he would untag himself from all our photos, or he'd post up pictures of himself with his new girl or post info that could just hurt me. Xanga bothered me because there's an IP tracker feature on there, and I noticed that he checks my blog every single day. And that made me angry a bit. I wanted to let go of these connections, ya know? I even shipped back everything he's given me. I spent over $80 bucks at the post office. Get rid of everything as much as possible. I'd thought I'd feel better, a little freer from these worries and reminders of heartache. But I'm not. Instead I look on his website, his blog, and google his name. I can't let go. I don't know how. I feel so lost. And things just aren't that great at home. There's no positive energy in my life right now to mend my soul.

He's really hurt me a lot. I'd shower, or watch TV, or just eat lunch, and his last words to me would keep replaying over and over in my ears... "I have loved you but not anymore" or "There is someone else" or "Theresa, let's end this" or "She fits me better than you". Just stuff you don't ever want to hear. I can't really trust anyone anymore. From this, I'll probably end up having trust issues to whoever I am with in the future. I know my mom does with my dad. And so does my sister-in-law. But my mom definitely takes it to the extreme. She smashed our family computer with a hammer a few months back because she thought my dad was having some "internet affair". It's still in our house... I guess as some reminder for my dad. Hah. I remember that day. My mom called me downstairs to clean it up with a broom and I had no idea why the computer "exploded". I was like "Wow, that looks cool!"