New York Times

I don't have a xanga but I still read other peoples' posts. I especially like going to this dating post that guest xangans publish with their advice on relationships or whatever. Here's a good one for the recent breakups: What Not to Do at the End of a Relationship

The post describes this stage of "bartering" with your ex-partner. I did that a lot. I felt weird doing it too. Like I was giving up some dignity or integrity. He did wrong to me but I still wanted to be with him. It was a bad idea and terrible feeling you get yourself into.

I kind of want someone new yet I'm afraid. And it's a lotta fuckin' work. They'd have to know everything about me and I'd have to know everything about them. But I think my biggest problem I feel like I'm going to face is that it won't be someone from New York or NYU. I have this egocentric view of being a New Yorker. Every New Yorker does. If they're not from New York then you can't see a chance in it. It's like the opposite of that Pace Picante Salsa commercial. I know it's wrong and I know it's bad but my mind is always stuck in New York. If I meet a guy in Houston per se, he won't know that experience or that attitude of living in New York. It's very prideful, I know that. But I can't help it, at least for now. I don't know how much more I can explain this feeling or rather this obstacle of mine.

I don't want to date a fellow optometry student. I don't want to date a Houstonian. I want someone from my college years. Jon was always worried that I'd find someone here or at my new school when I had moved back home. But I knew it would never happen and told him that it wouldn't. Even if I did, it wouldn't be the same and I'd probably feel unsatisfied. I didn't feel insecure about myself falling astray at all. I think that's why it was so easy for me to do this long-distance relationship. It was nothing to me. Just some distance, that's all. Everyone was always like "wow must be difficult!" but I felt very comfortable with it, as if I made a committment to him and myself. But all along, I should've felt insecure about him finding someone else. I just never would have thought she was from freakin' Norway and is in High School. I guess the long-distance was hard for him.

There were so many things we did in New York I don't think I could do with any other guy. He made me sneak into restricted areas of New York a few times. Both of those instances kind of failed. Hah. One was that I couldn't climb over this fence b/c my gloves got stuck on the metal. The other time, we ran out of the place b/c we were being chased by a construction worker (we ran across a bridge and I thought I was going to fall into the river). I don't think I've ever dated someone that's made me scared for my life or persuaded me to do "thrilling" things. I remember when he was teaching me how to ride a skateboard and forced me to ride down this giant steep ramp near this highway. I actually fell and he caught me at the end. (Well it was more like I jumped off because I got scared since I was going like 30 mph and couldn't stop.) We're pretty gutsy with each other. I made him be part of my art piece once, which involved some pornographic content in which I think all of our friends can still remember. I taught him how to graffiti and we defamed his apartment rooftop even though he was constantly scared that his landlord would walk in at any moment. We had the same morals. We're both borderline agnostics/atheists. And we're both very liberal and experimental. So we didn't do anything in our lives that offended the other. It was very whatever, I respect that. We didn't stop each other or judge each other along the way at all. It was great. Try finding someone that will let you do anything you want.