Cheer-up

I was stuck in traffic for a good hour and 15 minutes today trying to get home from work. The weather was absolutely perfect, I didn't mind the traffic one bit. The wind blew and the sun was just warm enough. I blasted Camera Obscura and sang along with my windows down. Arm out one side and tapped on the roof. I wokeup sad today. I was late to work. Ran out the door barefoot with my shoes to my car. But my students today were good. Better than usual. I met a buncha guys today just from doing errands around town and they were all nice to me. Made me feel like something again. I think God was sort of putting a "there there" on my back today. I went to the park when I went home and jogged and layed on the grass and enjoyed the sky. After dinner, my mom gave me one of her sets of fine china tonight as a gift for my new apartment. It really is a nice set. Porcelain with floral patterns on it. Teacups and dishes and bowls. I had been looking everywhere for some dainty and affordable dinnerware and my mom answered my prayers. I had no idea she collected this type of stuff... She's more of a tomboy than me.

I was sad this morning because I tried to get some closure last night for myself. My hung-up with Diego. I sent him a stupid text that I shouldn't have sent, but I really did it for my own closure and sanity. I sent him "I miss you" and he replied in a way that I guess really closed the book for me. It hurt but I needed it. I needed an answer, a rejection. So I can move on. Am I moved on? Not yet. Of course I thought about him today and such but it was different. I didn't regret breaking up with him as much anymore. I just realized it wasn't meant to be, no matter how great it was or how much I wanted it. I daydreamed for a bit but realized that I'm not crazy, I'm just figuring out what I want in my "one to be".

Sometimes I wish God or some force that controls the universe would just point me to the direction of whom I'm supposed to be with. Instead I go through this torture of relationship after relationship. Wait after wait. Heartache after heartache. Faith after faith. What if there's nothing left and my string runs out? How long do I have to be on this train track?