Okay, more entries about my loveless self. I still miss Jon, I'm not going to lie. I wonder where he is? What he's doing? Who he's with? My mom the other day told me that "Deep inside, every man wants a traditional woman to settle down with". I'm starting to think that it's true. So then how do us more extroverted, independent-thinking, career-driven, tom-boyish girls settle down then, huh? Become old maids? Marry and then divorce as our husbands cheat on us with some purely domesticated hoe? I'm real sad. In this day in age, don't men want women who are strong? Is it in their nature, their genes, their hormones to find women who are young, sheepish, and helpless so that they can easily mold them into what they want, take care of them, and feel like they have something so virgin? Hmm? I think that's what Jon wanted. Me? I wanted something fair. I can be domesticated quite much, but still have my own voice and aspirations. Ive been fighting for my rights in this Nguyen clan for forever now. It's how life became. To go against the Man, i.e. my authoritative parents/grandparents. So I am a debatable person and maybe that's what he did not want. And I wasn't helpless, I do everything on my own. He didn't have anything left to take care of me. But all I wanted him to do was love me.
I feel so lost here in Houston. I've lost definition. I don't know who I am anymore. And it sucks to not be able to share things with someone 24/7. I bet if I stayed in NY, (I'd be so broke) none of this would have happened. It would have been easier. But who knows, maybe it would've turned out the same. He would've fallen for that kid anyway. It's not like he has that many single girlfriends. He hosted her for a week and his feelings changed so instantly. He doesn't deserve me. How dare he, right? I wish I could, ya know, slap him, like they do in the movies. Everyone woman who's been cheated on deserves at least a last slap to their ex's cheek. Instead, I just cried and forgave him in my heart. He's still got all my shit at his house (unless the bastard threw it away). He's got all my cherished paintings that I asked to store. He's got some of my most treasured H&M clothes. And he's got my shattered heart in the palm of his hand (yeah, dramatic aren't I).
It's funny. I daydream a crapload. So I made up this entire story in my head where it was 30 or 40 years into the future. I'd comeback to New York to live in the East Side of Manhattan again. And one day I'd be looking for stuff to furnish my new place. So I'd go to that weekend flea market on Avenue A and like 11th Street. As I search for a used chair or some 1999 vintage clothes, I'd spot a dusty framed piece of artwork behind a seller's booth. It looks so familiar, yet I can only see the top left corner of it. I ask the man to take it out so I can see, and whatyakno: "Omg, it's my old thumbprint painting!" I'd say to whoever I'm shopping with. Then, like in the movies, I'd blow on it and dust flies everywhere. "So he did throw it away! That bastard!", I'd say to whoever I am shopping with. Then the seller would say "So ya want it or not, lady? 100 bucks". I'd shovel out all I got and take it back with me.
Yeah alright, purdy corny...I can't help it I tell ya
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2 comments:
lol dude thats's a great daydream! i like it. very dramatic. i can see it in my eyes - a warm color in the air, the dust flying in the sun's rays, a flicker of recognition.. i find myself daydreaming a lotttt too - mostly about someone trying to mug or rape me, but then me beating the shit out of them, like breaking their nose and dislodging an eyeball, and the story getting reported in the NYTimes.
andd i dunno about ur mom's theory. Some guys probably want all that submissive shit and whatnot. but not all (clearly henry falls into that category). in fact, most of the guys i know like a girl with some spunk and chutzpah. Be yourself! you're right, jon doesn't deserve you at all. you're not some woman from the 1800s who'll just be content washing his dirty socks!
wtf is chutzpah!
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