Help from Sean

It's so hard to get over it. It really hasn't been that long and I haven't exactly given myself a great amount of time to heal. But it just seems so much more difficult as you get older. My world is turned upside down. It has been for the last two months. I can't function sometimes. Especially at night and during stressful situations like taking a final exam. The thought of him is like a tick that comes uncontrollably during times of anxiety. I had a three hour exam today. That was the longest I've ever sat down in a while. But as the time passed and the questions got harder and the more I became mentally drained, I started to think about him. Such bad timing. I can't focus on what's in front of me. I become even more socially awkward now. I become more of a recluse, staying home a lot, turning off my phone, sleeping in much longer. When things start to remind me of him so much that I can't handle my sanity, I start to grab for the phone. The urge isn't to call Jon (I deleted his #), it's to call our mutual good friend, Sean. I don't know why I do it. I don't know why I call him out of every friend I know. I've called him several times now in the last two months. I know he's probably annoyed at it by now. I always call him, even when Jon and I were just having stupid fights during our three-year relationship. I don't like bothering people at all, but at times, I feel utterly helpless from myself. Very depressed thoughts, incredible anxiety, and just overall pain. I really don't know why I call Sean out of everyone. Maybe because he's the most real and honest friend I know. I think I just want someone to slap me in the face or throw cold water. And he does that. I indirectly ask him to save me before I do something nuts I guess. I think a lot of our friends call him in times of crazy sadness. I remember when one of our other friends got dumped, he called Sean too. And I guess I found it weird because guys don't call other guys for that kind of thing. But now I know why we call him. We want the hard truth. Hear advice from the most objective and realistic person.

So yeah..., I did call Sean tonight. It was one of those life-saver reflexes. I just had to, or else I'd be in a pool of tears or I'd break a vase. But when I called him, I wasn't going to ask him for advice or tell him how I've been feeling because I knew that he probably didn't want to hear it again. So I tried not to, until I felt I could no longer keep it in me. I was so struck and saddened today by my constant bad habit of reading Jon's blog. I knew he had moved on, and he was very obvious. So I felt nuts. Like he was purposely torturing me. I couldn't handle myself, my mind, my emotions. I felt like true shit.

I watched an Oprah episode a few months back and she interviewed this woman who overcame breast cancer. But had let no one, not even friends or family know that she was even sick or going through kemo. And Oprah asked her "Then how did you get through it all???". She said that she had this anonymous caller that she talked to every night about the whole ordeal. No matter the time or day, she would call this person and talk or cry about her fears and pains. And the person would listen and give hope. So the whole time, the woman had no idea who was on the other line for the months she spent talking to this "pen-pal" caller. So Oprah brought this stranger out to meet the woman. And the woman thanked her as they hugged dearfully.

I thank Sean everytime I talk to him about Jon. But I don't think my simple thanks is quite enough for how much he listens to me. I'm least embarassed in front of him. I think all of us (our friends) are. So, I guess in my view, and why I don't talk about Jon to anyone else, is that my situation seems like a petty thing to talk about, because we're all adults now. It's not high school. But I must say, it still hurts to be dumped. And I just needed that word of hope.