I don't want to have that bum attitude anymore

There are many instances in which death passes through our mind. A lot of times we think about it when we're fearful about life and how much we can only control. Other times are just out of daydream and thinking too hypothetically about cause and effect in our lives. Ever since I was a kid, as young as four or five years old, I would think about the possibilities of my own death and more often then not, the end of the world. And many a times, I would think about how I would feel if certain people in my life died and how things would change and etc.

Granted, I am a hypochondriac of illness. But growing up in a family of several doctors and ironically, ill family members, it is no wonder that I have become the worrywort. After this week and another continuing week of waiting for lab results, I've had too much of a traumatic experience to not stick to learning more about the human body, what's out there, and how to stay healthy as best as you could. You'd always feel this way after battling say anywhere from a common flu to cancer. You swear to yourself you'd change things around and take care of your body much better. But of course after so much of time, you forget, and can be bumped down to being careless again about your health. Anything as easy as not brushing your teeth for a day or not remembering to hydrate or not eating enough fiber or not washing your hands after using the toilet or kissing someone while you know they're sick or not wearing a condom or not getting out of your rain-damped clothes right away or etc. Such easy things that we don't always adhere by. But seriously, one fluke could really mean your life.

This whole week, or rather a span of what will be three weeks, has really changed me and opened my eyes to how much of a bum I've become. It is obvious to people that I am more of a Type B person. I don't really care too much unless I need to. I have to say that after getting into Optometry School and after horridly breaking up with a serious long-term relationship, both of which happened at the same time, I had really let myself go. But not exactly. I lost some weight and took care of my looks in order to gain more self esteem and out of feeling single and older, which was great. I was coming out of my bum habits of my appearance. But what I really let go down the drain was everything else. It went for the worst. It really did, even though from the outside, things looked peachy and forcoming.

Stress elevated more than any other time in my life. I let it get to me even though I wasn't even in school, dating anyone, or working a full time job. But it got pretty bad to the point in which my hormones completely changed, I had acne worst than I did in high school, my mood swings became very very uncontrollable, my behavior/personality also changed a bit, and been ill, and maybe more ill in the near future. I didn't care that much about anyone anymore or even myself. In my own eyes, I became a sloth. I went on a rebound spree, (okay, just two guys), which was probably not the best ideas. And I didn't care anymore about what I was doing. I wasn't as productive about myself as an individual. Stopped working out and eating right, even on the outside I looked better than before. But internally I wasn't healthy whatsoever. I started to feel more sassy, and defensive towards people. I just didn't put my heart out there anymore for anyone, not even family at times. All my morals and viewpoints and cautions went down the drain.

But after this infection, which led to speculations of other infections, which then also could have led to more serious conditions, I realized that I really should've taken better care of myself. At this point, I'm not sure how well I am. We are still waiting on lab tests and results and more visits to the doctor. But I did this to myself. Mainly out of ignorance and carelessness. Being a bum.

I definitely will be more health driven, orderly in life, clean mentally and physically, and just cautious about things. Before it's too late. Right now I'm stuck in bed in lots of spiritual and physical pain. But out of the grief, comes reality and change. Gauranteed change. No slacking. It's hard work at times, but I would want to live longer than 24 years old. I have not yet gone to Mongolia/Paris/Anartica, married a man, have children, or bought my own car.

We cannot let ourselves go. We cannot be careless. But at the same time, we cannot control everything about ourselves or the things around us. We will be ill in some way or another, whether miniscule or serious, and we will die someday, whether soon or decades later. But to live life to the fullest, treating each day as a memorable day, and to take care of ourselves as best we could, we will at least be content and the best we could be in our position in this universe. We owe that not only to ourselves, but our family and friends who care about us sometimes more than we care about our own being. But I can really only think of one person who cannot live without me, and that is my mom. I know friends would get over it, other family members will in time, and optometry will still be oversaturated in the U.S. I'm really only a caretaker of my mother. She needs me. I'm always there for her, and I'm always the one she runs to. And if I have cancer, or a serious disease, or just anything that alters my ability to function or my lifespan in general, she will be the one I will really really fight to live for and she will give me a hard time accepting death. Obviously I'm speaking from a present viewpoint. If I have kids later on, and a loving husband, of course them too. But for now, it's mother. There's an obligation to stay healthy. Not just for yourself to experience the greatness of life, but for other people who really can't live life without your life and vice versa.