where are you knight in shining armor?

okay you know what? I think I need just another guy to get over the last one. The last time I was happy single was freshman year and sophmore year of college. But that's b/c I was kickin' it with a buncha friends everyday. But now that I'm quite solitary here and getting older, and friends all around are getting married or living with sig others, I feel unhappy alone. I can't help it. I can't enjoy this "single" life. And my clock is ticking if you know what I mean. If I'm 30 and still single, I'll probably be incredibly depressed like I"ll never have that domesticated life.

I want Diego back because I like him a lot, and I'm just still in love with him. Obviously this is bad. Practically speaking, we do not fit. It could have, but that is wishful thinking. Sometimes I wonder who he'll end up with. Who will fit him, deal with his state, and be someone that he won't get sick of? Why do I care about him so much? Is it pity? Is it obsession? Is it because there was something real but not lost? I don't know. A lot of it is pity. I'm sad for him. But I want to make it better for him. But he was someone I have always wanted. He was my knight in shining armor. Everything Jon wasn't. A dream guy. Still a dream now.

The last time I felt truly happy and at bliss was probably when I was dating him in February. And before that, it was when I ignored Jon's phonecall to hang out with two of my closest female friends at a craftsfair back in July of 2008.

I want to be happy again. It's hard. I try to give myself therapy to manage stress, agitation, and depression, since all this shit has happened. It's getting better. But I still think of how alone I am without a sig other. I want to love someone, and I want them to love me back. I want to give.

Sometimes I feel like out of all my guys, Diego will be hardest to get over. Even though it was the craziest, illogical, and shortest. It was just too good. But so good, it wasn't real.

Ughhhh, get out of my head. I miss him a lot but not in the same way that I had missed Jon those other months. It's completely different. Jon was just heartbrokeness. Diego is like bittersweet. The breakup with Diego was like someone blowing up a birthday cake that you have eaten yet. The breakup with Jon was like someone shooting a bullet through your childhood teddy bear. Both are devastating, but one is easier to deal with than the other. I'm sane right now, thanks to Diego. Jon left me insane at one point. A time I do not wish to repeat and glad I am over it for good.

But I WANT Diego. Whereas, with Jon, I just wanted to forget forever.

There are things in life that people won't die without doing. Some want that prestitigous name or job, some want children, some want to just solve humanity issues, and etc. But me, mine is to find my one, my other, my husband. If I die without getting married, I will die unhappy.

I'm in very mature state really. I'm quite ready to settle down and to just give. I really don't have any other aspirations except maybe to travel abroad or live abroad. But that will only be like a year out of my life. I don't have strong aspirations to be a doc, to own an art gallery, to party hardy, or to win the olympics. I just want to be well, a wife and mother... haha. This comes as a suprise to some but it's true. College is done. I don't care for the lifestyle anymore. I'd be in bliss waking up next to someone I love everyday for the rest of my life. Yes, I'm such a romantic. A hopeless romantic. That's probably why I listen to Camera Obscura so damn much.