Lover and Friend or Neither?

I have a 1976 Mitsubishi Analog Television. I swore to myself I'd watch a lot of tele before optometry school, but truthfully, I haven't been turning it on at all. I only watch three shows on the tube nowadays: Conan O-Brien, King of the Hill, and LOST. Since Conan has disappeared for awhile, I've ceased to watch any of the three. No more motivation... So I am on the comp more, and therefore facebook, the most evil time-waster of all.

Anyways, with no TV time, I think a lot more, blog more, and time passes even quicker for some odd reason. I had a revelation today about love as I was jogging through my neighborhood park. I thought about my own trend on relationships, why things fail, what I believe in, or what I expect. But all of it... just all of my ideals and wants go straight into the dumpster now. I've done everything but I'm still alone, unengaged unlike most of my peers, and not even sought after. After dating two guys who were my best friends, I had thought that that was the answer: to date your good friend who you know like the back of your hand. Makes sense. Well, that proved to be unsuccessful both times, as routine becomes sort of a dead end in the passion. So, I did the other end, which was to date guys I just barely met and work our way in being lovers first then friends. Hm, after two unsuccessful and incredibly short relationships, that proved to be also futile. Passion was great, trust was little, and duration was just too short and sweet. Not long enough to form the "friend" part.

So now I am stumped. I have no idea what is right, what is wrong, what I want, or just even how to keep a successful relationship anymore. So many relationships... I just want to find the one. Although, I don't believe in such bullcranny no more. I just want to find someone that I can spend the rest of my life with. To be secure, settled, and just happy.

I want a lover and a friend, that's the basis of it all isn't it? But which one comes first? Does it matter? Or maybe we can only have one or the other? You can already speculate other peoples' relationships on these two categories. My mother married a lover, not her friend. My brother married a friend, not a lover. Some people I've met in the past or are friends with now have married an almost perfect combination of lover + friend. And those last a very very long time. They really do.

Diego was a lover for me. Not a friend. And not both, even though we tried. And Jon was a friend, not a lover at all. We tried. I hope the next guy will be twofold and not just one.

I know , I know... I keep writing about this shit, about him. I can't help it. I'd get sick of reading about this too if I weren't me. I just wish it never ended. I wish he was well. I wish he was stable. I wish I knew him longer, even earlier perhaps. I watched a buncha kids play soccer today at the park I was at and couldn't help think that he was once there in his own uniform playing. We've must've passed each other a million times and not even know it.

I want it to be like Serendipity. I like him. I can't stop thinking about him. I see reminders that really shouldn't be reminders. And I still move on with my life and my day but I hope for the universe to somehow collide again. I've given up. Let things happen instead of chasing, my natural stupid instinct.

Houston's so damn hard to be hot in. Figuratively of course... It's hard to be sought after here in this town full of hot women. So hot... it's just too competitive. I look like a two out of ten in this place, whereas in new york I'd be like a six out of ten.